Letter to the CIC I

Dear Citizenship and Immigration Canada,


Should I listen to this song???

or……..listen to this guy with those ‘Canadian Accents’?

Someone please tell me what to do.

A fruastrated prospective immigrant

Published in: on November 16, 2010 at 10:42 am  Leave a Comment  

French need not apply

Arriving in Canada you’ve probably heard a number of rumors regarding supposed Canadian culture.  Someone has probably mentioned to you that we live in igloos or… that we own beavers or… that we speak French.  None of these could be further from the truth.

Gather around your old friend Cale and allow me to probe you with my history of the French Canadian.


It all began two thousand years ago with the arrival of  some French sailors, led by Francois Celine and Dominique Dion.

The sailors had become disenchanted with all the smoking and drinking in France and decided to settle down in the beautiful British settlement of New Britain which we all know one day would become the great nation known as Canada.

New Britain was settled by the British who named it New Britain on account of the fact that Britain was already the name of their first country and that the name Zimbabwe had already been taken five years earlier.

Damn it!

ANYWAYS The British, being the gentlemen that they were, allowed the French to stay and live amongst the Canadians for all eternity on two conditions .

1: that they never complain

and 2: that they stop eating their children.

the French had fallen on hard times before arriving in Canada

The French agreed at first but unfortunately they were an unreasonable tribe and they soon became greedy and demanded their own piece of the proverbial Canadian pie.  Seeing as the British were naturally a kind and gentle race they allowed the French to carve out their own chunk of land and call it whatever they wanted.

The French called it “Quebec” or in English “The Land of Many Smells”.

The French were happy for a while but when New Britain became Canada, they demanded more.  One day as the queen’s canoe was dropping her off at parliament  she was confronted by two world famous Frenchmen who’s names escape me.  They approached the queen slowly at first, covering their faces so as not to startle her.

"Pardon moi your majesty...Have you got a minute?"

When they spoke they told her of the many problems the French people were facing.  Besides disease, famine and a lack of musical talent their biggest problem was far worse.  It seemed the French were having a hard time adapting to all the English labels on their groceries.  Children were confusing laundry detergent for boxes of Fruit Loops, women were writing checks with Tide-to-go and husbands went to work with blank DVDs in their lunch boxes.  Chaos swept over the land.

So the queen made a stand.  She made a decree that all groceries in Canada shall have both English and French labels!!

And the people were happy.

And that my friends is how the French myth came to be.   So next time you see all those weird hieroglyphics at your local grocery store remember one thing;

It’s not raisin flavored soda it’s just French for grape!

your friend,


Published in: on November 9, 2010 at 6:27 pm  Leave a Comment  

How to Dress Canadian

All excellent pieces to complete this outfit.

Our children are born in jerseys

Many find Canadian fashion to be confusing and awkward…well I will simplify that for you. It’s important to dress Canadian before you can really BE Canadian.

It's 30 below outside, notice how they don't mind? They are Canadian tough.

1. Always have a hockey jersey on hand.

2. Wear cowboy boots with your business suit, Canadians respect that.

3. Red and White are your go to colours. If you must wear something other than red….a burnt amber or a off-cherry pink will work.

4. Toques. They are the crown that keeps the heat in. Also helpful for bad hair days.

And lastly…..5. Always underdress. Even if it’s 40 below, it’s important to look Canadian at all times. So while you are freezing, you must look tough, it’s very Canadian.

Published in: on November 9, 2010 at 1:51 pm  Leave a Comment